"Mindful awareness of our programmed social patterns can free us to grow."
All of us “normal” human beings seem to acquire a few key
social priorities very early in life. Some of them are positive for our own
mental health, and well-being – eufunctional – and some are
dysfunctional.
These dysfunctional imperatives, or directives, seem to
be standardized across all cultures, subcultures, and generations. They soak in
very early and, for most people, they remain the key priorities, or “rules of
engagement” for the duration of life.
As we progress – if we progress – emotionally,
intellectually, socially, and spiritually, we can learn to weaken their hold on
us. People who are very highly evolved might even free themselves of these
primal reflexes almost completely.
The “Big Five” Directives
The five “biggies” – the major dysfunctional directives –
that we can outgrow and learn to live without are:
- Look good.
- Play safe.
- Don’t be wrong.
- CYA (we all know what that means).
- Get one up when you can.
Let’s consider them one at a time.
Dysfunctional Directive #1: Look Good. This directive
arises from the basic human need to be approved, accepted, and validated by
others. The stronger the directive, the more one feels compelled to restrict or
limit his or her behavior so as to avoid the disapproval of others. In some
cases, it might present as a preoccupation with physical appearance; imitating
the style of dress and manners of one’s chosen peer group; being at the right
places with the right people; conforming to peer-group practices; and even
subordinating one’s needs and interests to those of others.
Psychologist Abraham Maslow spoke of “resistance to
enculturation,” by which he meant the freedom to make our judgments and choices
without being enslaved to cultural norms, habits, patterns, and unwritten
rules. We all face the challenge, in our personal lives, of balancing
individuality, freedom, and self-expression with the necessity of getting along
in the various worlds we occupy.
Dysfunctional Directive #2: Play Safe. This directive
arises from the basic human need to protect our ego, or self-identity from feelings of failure. We tend to avoid situations in which we might not
“perform” as well as others, and steer clear of activities that might betray
our incompetence. We may avoid activities and behaviors we consider outside of
our comfort zone, or our zone of competence, such as singing, dancing, drawing,
building things, cooking, or any of a number of skillful pursuits.
Idea people, inventors, and innovators often pay a high
price for violating the tribal norms of the cultures they inhabit. We all have
good ideas and novel approaches from time to time. We need to learn to nurture
and develop them until they’re ready for critical scrutiny, and not kill them
off immediately because we think somebody might disapprove, disagree, or laugh at them.
Dysfunctional Directive #3: Don’t Be Wrong. Since our
early childhood
, and particularly in our school years, getting the “right answer” becomes a
marker of achievement, success, and approval. It pervades the entire childhood
experience of education and development. No wonder most of us have
hang-ups about making mistakes, being misinformed or uninformed, and trying to
be “savvy.”
People afflicted with the need to be right – or the
compulsion to avoid being seen as wrong – may have experienced relentless
criticism in their early lives, and typically very little praise. For them, the
experience of being wrong brings with it a kind of psychic pain, associated
with self-disapproval. So, they often go to great lengths not to admit to
themselves or others, that their view or interpretation might be flawed or
ill-informed. They might resort to near-comical strategies, such as
rationalizing; splitting hairs about facts or evidence; obfuscating the
subject; changing the basic point of the argument; or escaping from the debate
without allowing a conclusion.
The mind-opening discovery that being “right” or “wrong”
about a particular question, controversy, or issue has nothing to do with one’s
worth as a person can be tremendously liberating. If two people disagree
diametrically about a matter that can be settled by evidence, the one whose
belief is disconfirmed does not become a bad person for being “wrong.” And the
one whose view is supported by the evidence does not become a good person.
There is no battle to be won – only a “truth” to be sought. Alignment with the
evidence is simply a factual matter, not a personal triumph or failure.
Dysfunctional Directive #4: CYA. In the world of work,
the term “CYA” – shorthand for “cover your ass,” (or, alternatively, “cover
your assets”) – means don’t get blamed for anything that goes wrong.
Blame, shame
, and guilt
are part of all cultures, some more than others. A person who is exceptionally
fearful of getting blamed – again, possibly as a
result of constant criticism or condemnation in early life – tends to react
anxiously and defensively when things go wrong. They’re usually quick to
disavow blame, or rationalize away their own mistakes, or even point the
accusing finger at others. In the extreme, they might even lie to avoid the
anticipated psychic pain they attach to being accused.
In organizations, particularly bureaucracies, the CYA
directive is typically collective, presenting as a general collusion for
mediocrity. Formal procedures, review processes, signature cycles, written
justifications, and various disclaimers serve the purpose of syndicating
responsibility to the organization in general. One of the crippling syndromes
of any bureaucracy is the lack of individual accountability: nobody has to
swing for his or her mistakes. To individuals or groups afflicted by the CYA
directive, not being wrong is more important than being right.
Dysfunctional Directive #5: Get One Up When You Can. One-upping
is one of the most common social dynamics in all cultures. It means taking
advantage of a situation in which someone has mistakenly said or done something
to make himself look incompetent or ineffective, and “rubbing it in.”
Here’s a scenario: your friend has locked her keys in the
car, and had to call a road service to come and open the door. Which of the
following two things are you most likely to say?
Option 1: “I’m sorry to hear that. I know how frustrating
that can be.”
Option 2: “Didn’t you keep a spare key hidden somewhere on the
car, or nearby?”
Option 1 is the compassionate, empathetic reply. Option 2
is the “gotcha.”
“Gotcha” people typically follow an unconscious directive that says: Whenever you can catch
someone in an embarrassing situation, and there’s no risk to your own ego, zing
them with a put-down of some type. It comes for free, and – presumably –
there’s no harm done. Humorist Jules Pfeiffer referred to these episodes as “life’s
little murders.”
One-uppers tend to come in two varieties, the cautious
ones and the aggressive ones. The cautious ones usually strike only when the
situation presents them with a sure thing. They don’t have to create the
situation or set it up in any way; it comes for free. You admit you’ve been
gaining weight? He or she starts telling you all about how to lose weight.
The aggressive one-upper, on the other hand, actively
looks for – or creates – opportunities
to act and feel superior. You just shared your experience with a great Japanese
restaurant, and he tells you about the best one in town. You show her your new
condo, and she tells you how you’ve got it decorated all wrong.
But for most of us, that occasional little opportunity is
often just too inviting to pass up. A quick one-liner, a roll of the eyes, a
condescending gaze – we love ‘em. Some little imp inside us specializes in what
the Germans call schadenfreude – enjoyment of another’s misfortune.
Can We Live Without the Dysfunctional Directives?
Letting go of any or all of the Big-Five directives
requires finding, inside ourselves, a greater sense of self-love and
self-confidence
; the courage to embrace being human; a preference for kindness and generosity over competitiveness; and a realization that
we can shape the situations we find ourselves in.
The first step in this journey is coming to a mindful
awareness of these reflexes and impulses within ourselves. Following from that,
we need a continuous, patient, gentle, and self-loving attention to doing
things right, as our inner observer helps us know what is right for us.
About The Author:
Dr. Karl Albrecht is an executive management consultant,
coach, futurist, lecturer, and author of more than 20 books on professional
achievement, organizational performance, and business strategy. He is listed as
one of the Top 100 Thought Leaders in business on the topic of leadership.
Source & Detailed Reading:https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/brainsnacks/201606/five-dysfunctional-directives-we-can-live-without
Shared by - Anish Aravind, SS Consulting, Principal Consultant (Co-Founder)
